March! Wow. My son is five years old now! I'm almost 42! The world is still spinning despite the internet wanting me to believe it's all about to come crashing down. Doing the work is hard but it's all I can do. I can't do another 40 years of depression and anxiety like this.
It's readily visible to me that I don't really fit in on this planet. Over the last few years I've lost a large amount of friends, not to mention divorcing myself from most of my birth family.
It used to be my pattern to accept all blame. If someone didn't like me it was my fault. If a relationship didn't work, it was my fault. It's hard work to accept you can't fix everything and even harder to let go of self-blame/self-guilt.
I'm still here, I'm still breathing and I'm accepting things about my life. I'm never going to have community the way I see others having. My community is my wife, my kid, and a few close friends. Canadian culture largely rejects me, the lgbt community rejects me, and so on and so forth. This used to be a great source of pain and loneliness for me. Now, I feel strengthened by what I do have rather than weakened by what I do not have.
I'm going to love and care for my wife and child for every second my heart beats. I'm going to keep writing even if no one ever reads my writing. I'm going to keep trying to learn about myself and the world and I'm going to keep trying to help others.
I'm going to accept myself. I'm a mess and have been for a long time but honestly I think we're all a mess. This world we've made is a mess. I think most of us are simply trying our best to navigate through the pain.
Thanks for reading, it means we are at least somewhat connected in this swirling vortex of humanity. I see you. Keep going. We are all in this together 💕
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