I'm tired but I’m trying my best. The last two years have been a serious journey. I lost nearly all my emotional resiliency, and my trust in others because of too many attacks. For two years I've slowly tried to rebuild myself but I've had to accept it takes time.
It's difficult to work on yourself, and even more so when you're trying to be a parent. My kid is my world and it can be so hard to bring my best to the task of parenting when I feel like a waste of humanity. Somehow tho, I always find the battery space for my kid, and he turns five years old soon, something which blows my mind. One lesson I'm glad to be learning is that I'm stronger than I think. I may not feel like it most of the time but I have to admit, I'm 41 and I'm still here, surviving, and hopefully on the way to a brighter future.
A while ago, on top of the other stuff I was dealing with, I decided to come out as nonbinary and start down my path of transition to begin to learn what that looked like for me. At the time, it seemed dark, because I lost contact suddenly with a large amount of my friends and birth family. At the time, I thought they all pushed me away because of my changing gender identity, but after time to reflect, I realize that it was a culmination of factors, most of which are beyond my ability to control.
I've had a few people reach out to me lately, well intentioned, suggesting that I do more to reach out, extend an olive branch to my father, or to various old friends. Whenever someone suggests that, it triggers me because once again, it feels like an assumption that this is all my fault, or that a relationship will only work if I do all the work to fix it. I get told to be careful not to burn bridges.
I am so grateful to be learning to sit with my emotions and think about things differently than I have in the past. I am not burning bridges, but what I am doing is to refuse to bear the sole responsibility for a relationship not working. My father has never made an effort to have a relationship with me and neither have many of the people I thought I was close to. It hurts me to be around people like that. I can say now, I love my father, and I love the people I used to be close with, but I prefer to love them from a distance. It is a hard realization to see that your own father doesn't like who you are as a person. That's life, though. We're not all going to like each other in this life. Some of us are not good together, and like a terminated romantic relationship, I can wish someone well and hope for their happiness, while respecting my peace and not wanting to be around them, because the proximity hurts me.
In a way, this connects with how I have felt over the last year as a writer. I love writing more than any other thing I've done. I will continue to write forever, but I'm in no way interested in trying to become a "Pro". I'm so passionate about writing but it is a hobby. Hobby, Pro, are all labels, I know, but I only mention it because I am not out here becoming the next Stephen King/multi-millionaire author. Being a successful artist in this world is to some extent, hitting the lottery. I know I'm not the best writer in the world, but I am always trying to improve my skill, and tell stories that I am interested and excited to tell. That journey is the important part for me, and it makes me happy to see how my storytelling evolves. I think that I will always share my writing, as some people have enjoyed what I have written, but the method for sharing my writing has begun to change, as has the medium. Social media is complicated. I am old enough to remember the birth of social media networks in the early 2000s. It's a real shame to see how toxic social media has become. It's rarely fun, and often antagonistic and cruel, even by the well intentioned. The good parts, like the ability to share activism, are often empty and performative, and regardless of political leanings, it becomes spiteful, negative, and unnecessarily cruel.
But I don't want to go off on a rant about social media. It's all been said a million times. I want to end this blog post on a positive note. I feel a lot of ups and downs, but I want to believe that things are going to get better soon. Even though I have taken this big hit, I am dedicated to healing from it. Middle age is bizarre so far, but I'm doing my best to stick around and see what the future holds.
Thanks for reading. I love all of you and appreciate your support. Every time I see one of you leave a comment about my stories, or a review on one of my books, I beam with positive energy to know that I made something that someone enjoyed.
Thanks again,
Qualia.
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